Don't Be That Guy: iPhone Users

"Technology... the knack of so arranging the world that we don't have to experience it." ~Max Frisch Don't Be That Guy: iPhone User

Oh come on, you knew it had to happen eventually. As a small side note, with this being the blog post that (potentially) sends me over the 10,000 views mark (woohoo thanks guys!) I decided I needed to post something juicy. So here it is, the reasons why you iPhone users suck {don't hate me.}

They're going to be the cigarettes of our generation

Think about it, they both cause unhealthy addictions the likes of which are cured only by intense therapy and/or medical treatment. Also, I'm sure that eventually scientists are going to discover that all those G's cause cancer and then what're all the addicts going to do? I think I'll be the first to patent a plastic iPhone like device that only texts and allows for 2 hours of internet access a day. It'll be the first phase in my new step program. The final step will be one of those ancient things my parents told me about where it looks like a cell phone, but it only sends and receives calls. I'm still not sure that they exist {anyone have pictures?}

They're just too functional

There's something wrong with a piece of electronics that can balance your checkbook, order your favorite sushi, cut your hair, feed your cat, buy your groceries, and get you a date with that girl who shops at boutiques. It's kind of like the Disney movie "Wall E" except now people don't even have to leave the planet to check out, all they have to do is slide that notorious little bar with their thumb.

They slay conversation with a sledge hammer

Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone who's playing with an iphone? You're better off trying to punt a cheetah across a ravine filled with ravenous Canadian curlers than you are to try and get your iPhone obsessed friend to tell you whether or not you can borrow their pencil. The early iPhone users sometimes maintain the ability to put their iPhone face down, but don't get too optimistic because this ability fades within days. An iPhone face up on a table is like an air horn in the hands of a two year old. Sooner or later, things will take a turn for the worse and there won't be any going back.

They have all those "apps"

Imagine your least favorite preteen girl voice. Now imagine that voice squealing "O-M-G have you seen this new app?!?!" Apple has done the previously inconceivable and made a device that is continually upgrading itself. Kudos for the invention, damn the actuality. In theory these trendy "apps" help people to better function in society. But what really happens is people spend countless hours searching for more ways to be productive. At least, those are the ones who are in denial. The realistic iPhoner has accepted the fact that the toy in their hand is just another way to waste time.

They're Uninsured

This is the biggest joke of the whole iPhone scenario. As if these pocket gods (that's an app, but I thought that it was an appropriate name) don't cause enough baby treatment to begin with, they're uninsurable. As if the tweeting, facebooking, flickring, blogging masses didn't have enough reasons to cling to their handtops (handheld laptop {patent pending [not really]}), they can't be replaced. Given the capabilities, we might as well stop having children so that we can make sure we take better care of our iPhones.

So listen up all your iPhone toting vagrants. You suck because I can't get you to have a real conversation with me, because you are never lost, because you play awesome games I can't, and because I'm really really really super jealous that I don't have one. Ok there it is, I said it. I want an iPhone more than the world wanted Celine Dion to sing at the closing ceremonies! (who even was that band?) I want one because they're cool and hip and because I could be writing this on a screen that's so much smaller than the one I'm writing on now. I want one because I don't waste enough time on my own, so I'd appreciate it if I had a device to help me out. But when it's all said and done, I can text in the shower with my phone and your iPhone can't!! {yeah, I heard about the waterproof case, I don't want to talk about it}

"Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain." ~J.K. Rowling

What do you hate about the iPhone? What do you Love? Tell me Tell me!!