"This is Earth. Isn't it hot?" -Paris Hilton 10 of the Most Awkward Things You Could Say to a Person Who You Know You Won't Ever See Again
So I decided it might be fun to open up the subject of my next blog to the cyber world and see what they come up with. Plenty of my friends responded and since I don't feel like writing about dogs wearing snuggies or male appendages I chose this topic. My assignment was to come up with ten of the most awkward ways to end a conversation with someone who you know you'll never see again. Here are my responses and directions as to how to deliver said responses.
*jordanpaulwhite.wordpress.com does not support or condone the use of any of the following phrases in public or in private. If you get your ass beaten for saying one of these expressions, that's your fault.*
(in no particular order)
1. "Tell your mom I said hi!"
Talking about people's moms is weird enough, but for a total stranger to ask for you to tell your mom that they said hi? That is ridiculous. I think this one is funny because think of the hours of sleep your victim would lose at night because of the constant wondering about how you knew your mom, if you knew your mom, and why you did know your mom if you weren't lying. This response should be said with as much
seriousness as you can muster. Be careful though, because you definitely want to avoid a follow up conversation. However, you might want to be ready with some sort of backup just in case.
2. "I'll see you at your place!"
I can't say that I've tried this before, but I think it would be absolutely hilarious if there was an opportunity to have a hidden camera watch your victim's reaction 5-10 seconds after you said it. This is such a casual phrase that the victim might initially brush it off as a sort of mistake. Then they would (hopefully) realize that a relative stranger just told them they were going to their house. The look of confusion and utter disbelief would be perfect. Once again, book it after saying this one.
3. "I wish you loved me half as much as you love that fat walrus!"
This response must be yelled and must involve some form of tears. It's also imperative that there be a large group of people around. Good luck keeping a straight face while yelling this in a crowd, but if you can pull this off the look of utter bewilderment should be something for the history books.
4. "you wanna touch it?"
I know from experience that this is one of the most awkward questions in the English language. I have a certain blonde headed friend who uses this phrase as his calling card of awkward situations. In order to really achieve the beauty of this question, one must say it just loud enough to be heard. The goal is not to be clearly understood, but rather just barely understood. The victim should walk away disappointed, confused, and emotionally violated.
5. "You're the one!"
Once again, I have experience with this one. This exclamation should be utilized in the most hopeful voice that you can muster. You have to sound like you really believe the person is the one for you, otherwise this is just stupid. Other special affects for this one are puppy dog eyes and an awkward half smile. This might just be the most potent of the 10. Also, if you happen to attend a Christian university, this phrase works like magic. Ask me how I know.
6. "I miss you."
Now I can't claim credit for thinking of numbers 5 or 6 because a friend of mine by the name of Ana Dennis pioneered the expressions. This one must de done in a similar fashion to number 5. The key to this statement is that you have to make sure you say it before the person ever leaves your immediate touching distance. If they get too far away, it starts to make too much sense. Also, you might want to consider blurting it out like a secret you couldn't wait to tell. I think that'd work pretty well.
7. "oh, you're leaving? I thought we were going to....."
As you might have guessed, you have to use this one very carefully. Say it all at once and it's obviously a joke, say it too slow and the person might doubt your mental capacity. This statement/question requires a perfect blend of emotional concern, medium speed delivery, and a lingering last word. The last word should be a thing of beauty that hangs from the lips of the speaker long enough for the victim to feel the need to pluck it off. If they give you an answer such as, "play golf?" then you must look truly disappointed and shake your head in a "no" fashion. Then proceed to walk away slowly like a puppy with his tail between his legs. The goal of this is to get the victim to think something ridiculous.
8. "I'm an elf."
(No explanation necessary.)
9. "Tuesday is going to be really bad for you."
I don't know how to say this, I'm not even sure if it'll work but it's worth a shot. I also don't know if it would be more affective or less affective when said on a Tuesday. Food for thought.
10. "do you want to go to a Creed concert with me?!?!"
This isn't so much an awkward thing as it is a test of humanity. If they say no, they're a robot... or satan. Either way, run away from a person who turns down Creed tickets from a total stranger. If they start to walk away from you though, the only natural thing to do would be to pull the folding microphone stand from your bag and release the long golden locks you hide beneath your wig. Then proceed to start singing "higher" in a beautifully golden impression of that god of rock we call Scott Stapp. *Disclaimer: men and women alike will flock to you so have a getaway plan*
So there they are, now I want to know if you have any ideas. Please tell me what your ides and are explain how they work. Also tell me if I got anything wrong especially if you're a girl.